Starlight path

You have to ask

You may or may not know by now that I have Bi-Polar disorder. I have the kind that tends toward devastating depressions with a smattering of mania, just to keep things interesting. What you don’t know is how badly the depression can affect my life. The meds that had worked so well  stopped working. I became increasingly depressed, barely able to get out of bed, let alone take care of the everyday chores that make a house a home. Needless to say my house became a disaster area. I was embarrassed by it. I wouldn’t let anyone come by. I wouldn’t leave the house. I tries my best to do things here and there, but at this point there was too much for me to keep up with at the best of times and these were not the best of times. Finally, I did the smart thing, buried my pride and ASKED FOR HELP. Yes, the big AFH, that thing we are all taught is so bad to do. Guess what, My friends and church members came through and helped me get things cleaned up. My house is no longer a mess. I am still depressed, but I have hope again that it will end and the knowledge that I have people willing to help me through this. Moral of the story, If you can’t do it yourself, ASK FOR HELP. Forget pride, forget the” bootstrapper” mentality, forget the “I’m not good enough if I can’t do it alone” lie, Ask For Help and see what happens. I found out I do not have to do this alone, and neither do you. You have to ask.

Worn

 

Cut the darkness like a knife,

Red, the tears fall down in vain,

Yearning for a normal life,

There’s only torment, only pain.

 

And the rain falls down,

On the rocky ground,

But nothing grows,

But thorns,

And the pain comes round,

Screaming makes no sound,

And I’m tired now,

I’m worn.

 

Can’t give up, can’t give in,

Can’t move forward,

Cannot win,

Don’t understand the state I’m in,

Did I commit some mortal sin?

 

And the rain falls down,

On the rocky ground,

But nothing grows,

But thorns,

And the pain comes round,

Screaming makes no sound,

I’m so tired now,

I’m worn.

 

And the rain falls down,

On the rocky ground,

I’m so tired now,

I’m worn.

::SIGH::

I know I have not been here much lately, but life can do that sometimes. My son is having huge difficulties in Kindergarten. My husband now has a second job, so maybe we can start paying our bills with out friends and family pitching in.  There’s more housework for me, with hubby doing double duty on the job front. I’m feeling lonely and unsatisfied by the “Work” I do here at home. I never seem to get out of the house or have time for me.  OK, I’m done, End of rant.

The Courageous Ones

Are you out there struggling in this often hard, cruel world? Do you think on the escape called death? Do you believe yourself a cowards because you can not find the will to kill yourself? I am here to say, ” You are no coward!” It takes more courage to continue facing this world, day by day. If you continue to carry on, in the face of all the pain this world often inflicts, you are a Courageous One! Do not feel a coward. How hard is it to say “I Quit!”? It is so easy to give up. How can you be a coward? “I can’t kill myself” ,”I can’t give up”, these are the words of a  Courageous One. Welcome to the club. It is not an easy club to join. Membership is small, and difficult to obtain. You must hurt so bad you wish to die, then stay alive anyway. Leaving is easy, Living is hard. Join the club today. Don’t Quit. You are not alone.

Confusion and Delay

I no longer want to smoke. I know I do not need to smoke. The cravings are bad though. They slither and hiss inside me. Buzzing like flies. Persistent little buggers. Life gets stressful and they pop right back up. “Neeeeeed meeee” “Waaannntt Meeee” they hiss and buzz. I try to say “NO!” but it is so hard. “Heavenly Father help me, I want a smoke.”

Kindergarten Already

I refuse to believe it. My baby is no longer a baby. My little boy isn’t little anymore. My big boy just started Kindergarten. Nooooooo!!

;(      :D    ;(

I am so proud, yet so sad at the same time.  Where did the time go?

 

I’m Ready Mom

Here’s The Bus

Home Again

Proud Dad